Dog Diary — Day 1 of My New Life

“How to Conquer Humans With Cuteness (A Field Study)”

Dear Diary,

I awoke this morning at the rescue place, where the humans speak in kind voices and call me “sweet girl” no matter what I’m doing—even when I’m licking the wall. They gave me a bath. A BATH, Diary. I don’t know what I did to deserve that, but I suspect jealousy. My natural aroma is magnificent.

After that traumatic incident, they sealed me inside a transport carrier. Time stretched into at least seven lifetimes. I considered writing my will. But then—light! Warmth! The doors opened and I stepped out into a beam of sunshine like a glorious, slightly damp angel.

A woman was waiting for me, but I ignored her because I am a strong, independent dog. Also, I was busy sniffing the air in case snacks were present. They weren’t. Suspicious.

The woman put me in her car and drove me to her house. And, Diary… the curtains.

Oh, the curtains.

Flowy. Wiggle-y. Mesmerizing. I fell into a trance. I think they love me back.

Then I discovered a giant bowl of water and had a long drink that made my belly slosh like a half-filled washing machine. After that came food—mysterious, new, interesting, yum. Then I patrolled the room and—get this—found not one, but TWO soft beds. I checked them thoroughly by stomping on them, circling dramatically, and flopping. I attempted sleep… but the itching. The ITCHING. I scratched like my life depended on it. The woman said, “I’m very sorry, sweetheart, you’ll need a special bath with medicine.”

Special bath? Medicine?? I became Concerned.

Later, once the woman finished click-clacking on her computer, we went to a magical place called the "back yard". This is where I met Luke—the man-human. Diary, I loved him instantly. I followed him everywhere, even when he wasn’t going anywhere. I also belly-crawled the entire length of the yard because it felt dramatic and heroic and possibly would earn treats. Only a little diarrhea —according to the woman, “totally normal with all the changes.” Excellent. I love being normal.

Then the humans did the thing they promised: the special bath. Lots of shampoo. Lots of scrubbing. I am now 57% bubbles. They told me it would make me feel better, and honestly, I didn’t believe them at first, but I do feel slightly less like an itchy potato.

After that came something called dinner. At first, I pretended I didn’t want it, just to keep them guessing. Then I inhaled it like a vacuum cleaner. 

I devised a plan to fully disarm the humans by killing them with kindness. When the man-Luke sat on the lounge, I leapt onto his lap like a furry cannonball. He was helpless beneath my charm.

When the woman brought orange juice, I showered her with hugs and kisses—purely for strategic juice acquisition. She finished it before I could taste it (rude), and she told me I could go to sleep if I wanted because I'd had a big day. Lies, obviously. I pretended to sleep with extreme suspicion in her lap.

Then they ate human food and wouldn’t share. Outrageous. They started teaching me to stay on my bed, which I do not understand, but it produced treats, so I am absolutely committed to this confusing ritual.

After they finished, I got another treat for being a good girl. This system is incredible!

Then the woman dabbed something called coconut oil on my sore skin. Diary, I didn't even pretend to hate it, it felt nice and I let her put it all over my belly, tail and feet. The itching calmed. My eyes got heavy. My breathing got slow. Finally, sleep approached.

But of course, to maintain dominance, I made absolutely sure to fall asleep directly in the woman’s lap. Just so she knows who’s really in charge here.

End of Day 1.

Mission “Kill ’Em With Kindness” is proceeding flawlessly.

Sara

P.S. - Diary, I forgot that I also found a place called "the pantry" AND found a giant teddy bear that woman says is all mine!! I wonder what tomorrow will bring...